I’m running again. I have been running from writing this. I have been writing my daily journals here in Italy and I’ve even had my moments of revelations, but I’ve been avoiding going deep. I’m not sure what I think I will find or not find. Perhaps I’ll find out that there is nothing special about me. Maybe I don’t have so much to say. Maybe I’ll find out I have too much to say. Perhaps I’ll get in touch with anger. Sadness. Loss. Hurt. Pain. Maybe these are the reasons why I don’t go there.
But I want to. God, how I want to.
I mean, I came all the way over here to face me. I came all the way over here to see what I’m made of. To see who I am. To see what I can do. What I want. And yet, what I’m finding is the same girl that was in LA. The one who avoided herself.
How can one be so brave and such a coward at the same time?
I walk around the streets of an unknown city and an unknown language. I go into crowded restaurants with families and loving couples and I sit there by myself acting as if I am okay with being there by myself. Sometimes I am. Other times, I just want to have someone to exchange a glance with. A word. I miss talking. I miss smiling. I miss smiling a lot. Only in brief moments have I found myself smiling in Florence. Everywhere I go and everything I’m doing, I keep trying to distract myself from going exactly where I need to go.
Italy doesn’t hold the secret. A lover doesn’t hold the secret. I am the only one that can give myself what I need and it’s time to stop running from her. I began to discover her in my therapy before I left for this trip and I’m going to start paying more attention to her/me. I owe it to myself to allow her to BE. To allow her to speak her mind, feel hurt, feel pain, feel joy, feel love, feel scared, feel alone.
My whole life I feel like I’ve been expected to be a certain way. I think I’ve learned to expect it from myself. I can blame my parents, I can blame my past, I can blame it all for why I am the way I am. But I’m an adult now and I can make choices now and I am working on making the choice to stop running. I am working on making the choice to stand in my wholeness and to even stand at times in my weakness.
You see, what I am discovering here is that when you can remain standing when you feel your weakest, then you are truly stronger than you think.
8/9/13 – Giorno 43