Write Your Truth 

I decided to head this with ‘write your truth’ because it’s a post-it note I have that sits on my bulletin board behind my laptop and stares at me as a reminder that that is what will heal. That is what will change the world and inspire someone. That is what will help ME. 

I’m always so focused on everyone else and inspiring and helping that I often don’t spend time in my own head. Okay, that’s a lie. I spend a lot of time up there, but I prance around in there. I don’t sit long enough for a real conversation. As soon as things get a little bit uncomfortable, I hop on over to the next spot in this head of mine. What will we eat today? Who can we help? What can we read? What can we eat? You see where this is going.

Your truth, Shari.

I’m not even sure I know what that it is. For so long, I’ve walked on the parameters of it. I dip my toe in it. I don’t fully put both feet in there because I might just get sucked down into it.

As I’m writing this, I just want to stop. I don’t want to go here because the ‘enlightened’ person in me (that’s a joke – like I’m some magical creature that knows all) knows not to go down this road because it can become a long and windy road and the truth is, I already know the ending to this path. I will find out ‘I’m all okay’, ‘I’m perfect as I am’ and ‘everything I’m feeling is a-okay.’ 

So why bother, right? 

Why not just prance on over to the finish line and take a look around from above?

 Because that’s the bullshit I’ve been doing since I started this spiritual path. That’s the easy road I’ve taken because I’ve learned that ‘everything happens for a reason’, ‘you are where you’re supposed to be’, ‘everything that comes your way is meant for you to learn from’ and whatever other platitudes and cliches I’ve learned and spouted out. Now don’t get me wrong, I do BELIEVE them to be truths, but I do also know that somewhere in there, somewhere in there I have to take a seat there and have a conversation with that uncomfortable space, with that pocket of silence, with that feeling that is popping up. I must take off my dancing shoes and stay for a bit, otherwise, we end up back here wondering why my life still reflects that of someone who doesn’t know they can have anything they want.

I certainly know I’m worthy of it, but the disconnect happens with what will I do when I have it or attain it and I still find discomfort. That’s the rub. That’s where the WRITE YOUR TRUTH comes into play.

What the f*** are you afraid of, Shari? What the hell are you upset with or who? I keep praying for damn clarity and vision of something, some purpose, some path, some something. Anything that will make sense to me so I stop wandering this Earth skirting and prancing around the things that really matter.

I do find moments that really matter. Deep ones. I find them in the mountains. I find them alone in my car while driving on open roads. I find them in airplanes, trains and cabins. I do find them and man, they are wildly beautiful! It’s why I begin to feel trapped and start to go a bit stir crazy when I sit for too long. Some think that I’m running from and I’m like, no man, I’m running TO! I’m running TO those feelings. I’m running TO the things that remind me of who I am and what matters and what fills up what seems like the cavernous parts of my soul. I’m simply running TO that place.

Okay, now what? 

It’s like I expect some miraculous thing to happen now because I announce this. But nothing. Nothing. I just become more self-aware which then drives me even battier. It’s like having 2 people live inside you and they each are giving the other one advice and sometimes I just want to shut them both the hell up.

Food does that. Until it no longer does.

It’s Hollywood’s fault. Damn happy endings to things. I forget that everything doesn’t come all tied up in a pretty bow and sometimes the most beautiful moments are the quiet ones with no big climactic and dramatic ending.

We just go on. 

Another moment. Another step. Another breath.

So, you make the most of your moments. You fill those spaces with truths, with gentleness and kindness and most importantly compassion. And fun! Definitely fill those spaces with fun because when you stop arguing with yourself, Shari, you probably will find out that it’s much easier and simpler than you think it is. That I probably don’t have to do this amount of work and that it’s okay to dip my whole body in. The truth isn’t so bad and when it is hard, it’s manageable because it ALL is.

So there is my truth. I’m sometimes afraid to go into this head of mine and hang out and so I do the jig nearby. I do a few tap dance routines and then I top hat and cane my way off the stage. I’m learning though. And I am willing to stay for the second and third acts. Hell, I’m willing to come back after intermission. 

I’ve got a big dance to do and skipping rehearsals certainly isn’t going to make for a very good show. Life is beckoning me to show up for it all and I’ve got to stop sitting on the sidelines telling everyone else how to dance. 

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