My first sign of being a person who would struggle with her conscience in this life became obvious at the age of ten or eleven. I wrote a story about a man who stole money from an old lady. There was a young girl who saw the crime and subsequently reported the man to the authorities so the elderly woman could get her money back. It was a very simple story with very clear actions of good and bad. I also remember reading numerous books about ghosts and life after death as a child. I often wondered why, if there are ghosts, did they want to stay here and not move on to something better than this world.

I do not know if this fascination was created by the strong spiritual connection in my family household or the fact that everyone I knew as a child combined religion with the supernatural and spiritual elements of the unseen world. I do know that this unorthodox upbringing has caused these subjects to consume me in my thoughts and behavior. It is the one focal point of my existence that is constant and steady. I studied many texts, from the spiritual beliefs of the Egyptian to the Christians to those of the pure Spiritualists, in order to understand how and why humanity, and I as part of humanity, have such a strong belief in the afterlife and moral correction. Albeit, there are those who say there is no such thing as God, Heaven, Hell, etc…I respect that viewpoint. But, my respect is from a sense of being accepting of others beliefs without compromising mine. I think they are wrong. There is life after this world and the soul will transcend no matter what the person is like here on Earth.

Regardless, just like the little girl in the story of the robber, I have an internal sense to treat others in a polite and good manner. I will not say that I have always achieved perfection in this, but in the moments when I have faltered, a regret has overcome me that can only be assuaged with atonement. Whether it be to the person I have affronted or to the Universe, I am always judged and there is always a balancing. I mentioned my family earlier, growing up in a household that worshipped like all Southern Baptists, but one that also acknowledged spiritual entities and rituals to protect and rid others of harm. I used to have a blessed dime in my possession until I graduated from university. It was a protective charm that blocked evil, physical and unseen. And yet, I remember still seeing evil all around me, just as I saw good all around me. What I have concluded is that when it comes to the afterlife and morality in this world, it appears to be based on the level of spiritual maturity of the person. Whether you are good or bad is arguably subjective to those who see spiritually.

As a child, my desire was always to be able to see clearly in both the spiritual world and this one. As an adult, I have grown in my spiritual eyes so that now the story of the robber would have more depth, more substance in the area of why this poor man felt such an urge to cause pain to another by taking a material item that could help one thought to be weak in society. The story would identify the hapless state of the elderly woman and how this one action brought sadness and chaos into her life. I would think of the spiritual growth of both persons in combination with their life here in this world. The young girl would not be as integral to me like before because one who is morally correct at all times is a high standard that is impossible for us as humans to achieve. But the persons who suffer, those inflicting pain as well as receiving it, is interesting because on some level we all do both. This is the essence of human nature that causes the dilemma of social morality in this world and desired peace in the next.