We talk about being lost like it's a bad thing... and I know it can feel that way, because it used to feel that way to me too. It can feel like you're turned upside down inside your life. Like nothing makes sense and you have no idea where to go or what to do next. Like everything that kept you grounded has fallen away, and there's nothing to keep you rooted in yourself, your life, your work. But sometimes being lost is everything perfect and necessary. Because in the midst of feeling turned around you're exactly where you need to be... feeling confused in exactly the ways you need to feel confused... uncertain about everything in exactly the ways you need to feel uncertain. Sometimes we have to be willing to let go of everything we've built and grown comfortable with to create the space for a deeper level of growth and clarity. To invite in the kind of possibility that doesn't exist within the comfortable containers we create for ourselves. Sometimes we have to sit directionless inside that space long enough for a path we never considered to become visible. I've been "lost" many times in my life... and the most recent time this past winter and spring was the most motionless and productive period of my life. It changed everything. It allowed for the deepest healing to take place. It caused everything that was no longer aligned to fall away. And it brought me home to myself in ways I'd forgotten were even possible. As Rumi writes in one of my favorite quotes, "Do not worry that your life is turning upside down. How do you know the side you are used to is better than the one to come?" Trust and faith. You're exactly where you need to be. Even when it doesn't feel that way. Especially when it's hard. 20170907_233633

We're so afraid of the unknown, because we're wired to stay put, to stay with the tribe, to stay safe and alive. But the kind of growth that shapes us into who we're here to be only happens inside the unknown. Through the void. Deep in the belly of what most terrifies us. I love this quote by Mandy Steward, because she sums it up so perfectly: “Watch the ones whose only option left is to lean into the questions. The ones who are uninhibited by the unknown because they’ve jumped into that gaping hole and found themselves, by grace, unswallowable. Watch the ones who willingly stand with Feist and say, 'I feel it all' even when it scares the shit out of them. It’s not brave to have answers.” We're all unswallowable, we just don't always know it at the time. We're all brave enough to find the courage to move forward without the answers. We're all capable of leaning into the questions and leaping into the unknown... and, more importantly, we're all capable of coming through those experiences stronger, wiser, more aligned, and more filled with love and purpose and passion than ever before. We are strong, powerful creatures. We just have to be willing to get uncomfortable. To be uncertain inside the unknown. To lean and leap and learn to build trust in the free fall. "It's not brave to have the answers." Lean and leap anyway. 20170905_143453

The not knowing is the hardest part. Being surrounded by so many pretty, polished sound bites... ringing loudly with the kind of truth that never quite lands for you and your life. The favorite sayings that hang so beautifully in the air, yet feel so empty and irrelevant. Spilling from the mouths of people you may love and respect, yet there's no resonance whatsoever. It can be maddening, really. Because despite all the wisdom bombs exploding around you, you still have no idea what to do. The not knowing comes from not trusting yourself fully. Sometimes that means you're ignoring that tiny intuitive whisper you already know is there... and sometimes it means you've broken that trust with yourself so deeply that you're no longer able to feel into what comes next. What's right and what's wrong. What's true and what's not. I get it, because I'm learning to truly trust in areas where I've betrayed and abandoned myself in the past. And inside of that learning I'm having to ask MYSELF the hard questions... no one else. Questions that require me to see where I may be choosing the kind of bliss that's born from ignorance, because I'd rather not look deeper and see what's sitting just below the surface. To see where I may be choosing "ease" rather than choosing to see and do the real work, because that work may be challenging and uncomfortable... even gut wrenchingly painful. And also to see where I may be barreling forward when what I really need is to pause and take space. There's only one way to know: Rebuild and strengthen that trust with YOURSELF. Day by day, choice by choice. As Danielle LaPorte writes, "take what you want and leave the rest. There is no ideology or teacher who is one hundred percent right. Even though they may be vastly, deeply experienced, experience is based on the past. We can't always look for precedent to inform our future. How they did it, what worked then... that was them then, this is you in the now." This is YOUR journey to navigate, no one else's. 20170828_203131

Grateful for new friends and old. The ones who are willing to drop in deep and talk about what it really means to exist inside the many layers of living this life. The ones who aren't afraid of the dark, hard, messy parts. Not mine, not theirs, not anyone else's. Because that's life, whether you want to admit and face it or not. Life is nothing if not a mess of confusing and challenging duality. I still feel the gut wrenching heartbreak of my loss right alongside the immense gratitude for all the ways I've learned and grown in the aftermath. For all the people and experiences I've gained. I feel the overwhelming and terrifying weight of living in this world right alongside the pure love, joy, and appreciation for getting to be ALIVE. For getting a chance to experience all this life has to offer. As Heather Havrilesky writes: "When you’re truly alive, sometimes it’s scary and messy and even hauntingly awful. Sometimes you are exactly where you’re supposed to be and it’s terrible and it’s also amazing. Sometimes life is so insanely sad and so good at the same time." Duality makes our lives richer, our hearts fuller, and our experiences more memorable. There's room for all of it... and the sooner you're willing to make space for the parts that aren't pretty and happy and fun, the more intensely you'll experience all the beauty and joy this life has to offer. That I know for sure. 20170824_103012

You don't "get over" the experiences and people and losses that most deeply alter your heart and soul. You don't forget the moments where everything changed and you could no longer be the person you'd known yourself to be before. Those experiences and people and losses leave their marks. Scars you'll always carry and bruises that stay a little tender to the touch. They become a part of you, whether you want them to or not. The more you resist this, the harder it becomes to move forward. They shape you, and that shaping gives you a choice: let them define or limit or mold you into someone who's stuck or bitter or broken... or let them grow you into someone who's stronger and wiser and more discerning. Someone who trusts themselves above all else, and who learns to find the wisdom in the wounds and the purpose in the pain. We carry these experiences and people and losses forward with us, but we get to choose whether they're a burden or a gift. And that choice makes all the difference. 20170821_082426

When we’re at the end of the line and there’s nothing left to do but wait for our last breath, we’re not going to fondly remember the moments where we held back and played it safe. We’re not going to be glad we never spoke our truth when it mattered most, or that we never told the people we cared for how we truly felt. We’re not going to be glad that we did what we thought we “should” rather than following our hearts. Rather than taking risks, putting it all on the line, and living life full out. No, we’re going to regret the words we never spoke and all the ways we ignored our heart’s true callings. We’re going to wish we were braver and bolder and that we showed up as fully as we could have. We’re going to want to go back and write a different story, one that’s colored with love and passion and purpose. We’re going to wonder what we were really afraid of, and how things could have been different and more fulfilling. Life is too short to waste on being afraid, and far too fragile to leave room for wonder... it all comes back to choice. As someone who almost chose to leave once, I've learned that when you choose this life fully, it chooses you back. So, choose it. Choose to go after what you want. Choose to do the work to make it happen. Choose to show up as fully as possible. Choose to keep getting back up, time and time again. Choose to never settle for less than you desire. And keep choosing it. 20170818_074241

Sometimes there are parts of us that need to die. Sometimes the structures and beliefs and ways of being that carried and supported us for years need to be shaken loose. Sometimes everything known and familiar needs to fall away. And sometimes everything we've poured ourselves into needs to burn to the ground. This is growth. And growth is hard. Not always, but usually... because it requires change at a deep, deep level. It requires a willingness to see things from a totally different perspective. An openness to new, different, better. An ability to sit in the discomfort for as long as is necessary for new truths to be revealed. So, sit in it. Breathe through the pain. And hold steady until the truth is revealed. There's no avoiding the hard parts. But if I've learned anything these past few years, it's that everything good and beautiful and life changing is just beyond the part that feels like it might consume you. Through the pain. Through the discomfort. Through the uncertainty. You will survive it. And it's so worth discovering what lies just on the other side. "And if you feel like life is consuming you in its fire, remember this. Sometimes it is necessary for the land to be scortched and its history purified before something new can grow." ? @jmstorm 20170814_115851

Sometimes there are parts of us that need to die. Sometimes the structures and beliefs and ways of being that carried and supported us for years need to be shaken loose. Sometimes everything known and familiar needs to fall away. And sometimes everything we've poured ourselves into needs to burn to the ground. This is growth. And growth is hard. Not always, but usually... because it requires change at a deep, deep level. It requires a willingness to see things from a totally different perspective. An openness to new, different, better. An ability to sit in the discomfort for as long as is necessary for new truths to be revealed. So, sit in it. Breathe through the pain. And hold steady until the truth is revealed. There's no avoiding the hard parts. But if I've learned anything these past few years, it's that everything good and beautiful and life changing is just beyond the part that feels like it might consume you. Through the pain. Through the discomfort. Through the uncertainty. You will survive it. And it's so worth discovering what lies just on the other side. "And if you feel like life is consuming you in its fire, remember this. Sometimes it is necessary for the land to be scortched and its history purified before something new can grow." ? @jmstorm 20170814_115851

"Stop repeating the past when the future needs to change." Wise words from today's training that really hit home. I've talked a lot about what it feels like to bump up against walls where there used to be doors since my loss. What it feels like to remember so clearly who you were before... to see how you operated and functioned every day for so long... and yet you're totally unable to embody that person or way of being anymore. It's frustrating to say the least. Today I'm reminded of how important it is to continually turn and face forward into what comes next. It doesn't matter who you were and how you operated before... who do you want to become? And what do you want to create from where you stand right now? Chances are if you've been through hell and back... your answers are much different than they used to be. Let them be different. Give yourself permission to create a totally new future. One that feels aligned with who you are now, not who you were before. XO 20170810_091220

There's a special kind of comfort in trusting that you're exactly where you're supposed to be... even when everything is upside down and you feel turned around inside your own life and self and work. Life is an endless process of unfolding. Of remembering who you are at your core, who you were before you started bending and folding and trying to "fit." An endless practice of honoring what's true for you and your heart, regardless of what anyone else thinks or wants or needs. The work of becoming who we're here to be is challenging to say the least... and the ways we're asked to learn and grow are as unique as we are. No one else can truly understand, and no one else has the answers. You are exactly where you need to be. Even when it's frustrating and confusing. Especially when it's hard. Photo by freddie marriage freddie-marriage-40251

Eyes open. Stay here, stay present, stay engaged. Breathe through the overwhelm, the fear, the discomfort... but make the choice to stay. Checking out is easier, I know. I spent a huge chunk of my teens and 20s totally numb and dissociated from myself, my life, my body. It was the only way I could get through. I know how much safer it feels to disappear inside yourself than to engage in the world around you with an open heart and your whole self exposed. When I'm triggered, my default is still to look down or close my eyes completely. To leave. To disengage. To hide. And as I continue to push my edges and step into a new way of being – a new level of living and loving and creating – this has become my mantra: Eyes open... eyes up. Stay here, stay present, stay engaged. The only way to know you're safe and capable of having something new and different and better is to participate. To show up. To co-create with God or Source or The Universe... with the people around you. But you have to be here. You have to be present. You have to stay engaged. Eyes open. You've got this. 20170802_072724

Don't retreat. When you do the work of changing how you show up in the world so you can create something new and different and better, things can get... hard. You start bumping up against the current limits of what you know yourself to be capable of creating. You push your edges. You stretch your heart and soul. You start manifesting different experiences. But things also start to feel more challenging and overwhelming... even frustrating. So... you want to retreat. To go back to what's safe and familiar. To settle back into the comfort of your well worn groove. Instead, choose to breathe through the discomfort. To face into the parts that are challenging and overwhelming with as much love and grace as you can muster. Choose to ask for help where you need it. To be gentle with yourself as you push well beyond your comfort zone. To stay strong and committed despite all the ways you feel unsteady on your own two feet. This is a choice point. Move into the next level of living and loving and creating. Or retreat back to what's familiar and known. What will you choose? 20170719_183450

"You're the happiest I've ever seen you." Yes. Yes, I am. Because life is all things beautiful and awful, and it's broken me open in the most challenging of ways. Because I refuse to stop doing the work and facing into all the parts that hurt like hell. Because I've been more willing than ever to let go of all the people, things, and experiences that are no longer aligned. Because I stopped caring what other people think, and I started choosing only what felt true in my heart. Because being alive is awesome. Even when it's not. Whatever you're going through and however much it hurts, keep doing the work. Keep choosing to get back up off the floor... to get out of bed... to face another day. It's not easy, I know. But every one of those tiny, seemingly insignificant choices will start to add up, and you'll begin to heal. It takes time... and choice. So keep choosing it. 💕 20170717_090438

Sometimes the block or belief is massive and stubborn with roots that run deeper than anything you've experienced before. Sometimes it feels like you're pushing and pulling and poking at cement, so sturdy and heavy that your hands begin to bruise. Sometimes the work is endless and exhausting and you're convinced nothing will ever change. Until one day something shifts. It's small at first, but it's there. A tiny fracture in the mass. An opening, a softening, a sense of space. Suddenly something's different... YOU are different... and the way you feel about the world around you is different. This is why we keep doing the work. Why we keep choosing to face into what hurts. Even when nothing is happening. Especially when it feels impossible. And definitely when it's hard. Because even though it feels like you're not making any progress, you are. Slowly and steadily you're chipping away at the things that need to shift. Big changes are imperceptible until they're not. Until you notice, ever so slightly, that something's no longer as it was before. And then? You keep doing the work. Because big, lasting changes take time. They require persistence and patience. The willingness to never give up. Keep choosing it. 💕 20170711_115226