“I can hear you but I won’t

Some look for trouble

While others don’t

There’s a thousand reasons

I should go about my day

And ignore your whispers

Which I wish would go away.”

– Elsa, “Into the Unknown” (Frozen 2)

Those of you that have kids – and many who don’t – have probably seen Frozen 2 by now.  Here’s Elsa, minding her business, going about her life thinking all the drama and turmoil is being her, and along comes this voice – out of nowhere – that she knows is calling her to do something she really doesn’t want to deal with.  She’s happy! She’s ignorant of anything else that could possibly go wrong! Yet, so knows in her heart that she must listen to this voice and follow it into the unknown, despite all that she could lose in doing so.

Welcome to my journey. I did NOT want to go into the unknown!  My life was in RUINS, but even still, I did NOT want to go in some direction that I had no idea where it would take me…but…the universe called…and I answered…

One blog post is far to small of a space to go all the way back to my childhood and discuss all of the trauma that lead me to this point in my life, but I will give you a summary…

…side note…you’ll see me using movie and music references a lot in my blog posts…it’s just a way that I communicate when words fail.  Thanks for playing along.

Anyway…where was I…oh yes…trauma…

Typically, trauma, fear, sadness, and all of those related emotions is what sets our feet in motion, isn’t it?  Think about when people pray; when are people most likely to pray? When they’re afraid/something is going wrong/sad, etc.  When do we most seek transformation in our lives?  Is it when all is sailing along well, money is flowing, our family is healthy, bills are paid, etc…NO!  It’s when our life is typically stuck – or in my case, in ruins – and we need to figure out how to move forward without falling on our faces, or back on our asses. That’s where the middle of my story begins…on my ass…in ruins. 

I was sleeping on a mattress on the floor with my newborn, my daughter’s father pounding away another beer and hiding in the bathroom. Here I was, a HIGHLY educated woman, scared to death, with a newborn, with zero support and no hope for the future. How did I get to that point?  Well, ask the wine and combo of antibiotics and birth control. He and I barely knew each other, but here we are, trying to be a family…and failing. We had jumped from location to location, living in a hotel, then a winter rental, and then in an apartment in the ghetto part of the town we had both grown up in. I had been let go of my teaching job due to the program closing just after becoming pregnant with my daughter, and finding a teaching job while pregnant isn’t exactly easy.  I lived on unemployment and food stamps, he contributed what he could with his money selling extended car warrantees over the phone…yes…really…ugh. We relied on food banks and generous people to get by, and my parents helped when they could, but they were just totally disgusted at the whole situation, and his parents were essentially useless at that point. 

There’s something that happens to you  – or at least it did to me – when I was lying on the flood with the baby (she’s going to be 10 in a few days!), wondering where the hell your life fell apart that shoots a feeling through you that you can’t quite explain. It’s an interesting mix of, “I’m pretty sure I need to jump into traffic somewhere so my baby can have the home she deserves”, and “I am SUPER MOM! I’m going to figure this s**t out RIGHT f**k**g NOW!”  Thankfully, that’s just what I did.

A few days after the revelation that I was not about to go down without an extreme fight for mine and my daughter’s life, I was standing in line for the food bank, in the cold, with the baby, and I noticed that there were A LOT of children in the cold!  Why couldn’t these kids be brought inside? Where were the volunteers to take care of these kids while the parents took care of getting their provisions?  Of course, that meant I had to find out that exact answer.

“There’s just not enough help. We need a certified teacher, or nurse, or someone to watch the kids. We can’t just send them in there with someone off the streets. It has to be someone with a background check and stuff.”

__insert BIG smile and BIG lightbulb__

“ME! I’M THAT PERSON!  ONE SECOND!”

I kept my teaching portfolio in the trunk of my car. It had my fingerprints, resume, letters of recommendation, and of course, all my state certifications, etc.  I don’t think I’ve ever ran with a newborn in my arms in the snow so fast!  I literally shoved it into the supervisor’s hands.  

“HERE I AM!  LET ME HELP!”

Thankfully, they trusted me, and we were able to get the kiddos inside, warmed up, playing a game and distracted while their parents got what they needed.  These kids had enough trauma. You could feel their hungry bellies and the looks in their eyes was heartbreaking. I’ll never forget those faces. I’ll never forget my own newborn’s face as she slept wrapped to my chest while I entertained some youngins and I got my food last so these babies could have just a little normalcy in the middle of their chaos.  The parents were incredibly thankful. I was thankful. 

It was then that it occurred to me…how we address trauma/stress really makes a giant difference in the outcome of our future. Maybe these parents would have an easier night with their kids because they were all a little happier and felt a little more human. I know I felt happier because I was serving others when I should have been in the cold, with my newborn, being thankful for my canned goods and pasta. I was (am) a certified teacher…I KNOW this…how can I move forward with this information?

I myself had experienced extreme trauma growing up (which I won’t get into right now), and I know how impactful NOT dealing with the trauma had been on my life.  Could it be that by NOT dealing with the trauma that I was constantly living in a state of negativity which was, in turn, constantly bringing about negativity and lack of abundance in my own life?  I REALLY didn’t want to go down this rabbit hole! I didn’t want to think about trauma!  I didn’t want to think about how MY thoughts could be creating ALL of these actions in my life!  “Into the unknowwwwnnnnn….” (you can hear that…right?)

A LONG journey of self-education happened from there which helped free me from the living situation I was in and I freed myself to be educator, healer, advocate, and mentor that I am today!  In 2007 I graduated with my first set of degrees – BA in elementary and special education and a BA in religious studies.  By 2013 I had acquired a bunch more including earning my doctorate in naturopathic medicine and a PhTh in religious studies.  Mixed in there, I earned some other precious certifications and awards along the way. Yet, the most precious “award” I received was that of true mental, physical, and spiritual freedom that stemmed from a direct response to trauma. 

Trauma forces us to grow wings, or, choose chains. 

I currently reside in central NJ with my husband, Eric, and our daughters McKayla (10) and Adaline (3).  I work full time as an autism specialist in self contained program, and I also run my own holistic wellness concierge service – more about that on my profile 🙂 

I am thrilled to be on this journey called, “life”, with you all.  We are in very strange times and we were MADE for this!  I know I was…and I truly believe that we are ALL in this together to heal our planet, one heart at a time.